Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The Eve of Dissapointment

I had never really traveled outside of Arizona. I suppose that’s not entirely true. I visited my best friend in West Virginia when I was eight, but I don’t remember much except the rolling green hills, the fireflies, and the awful humidity. I always felt as though I had just showered.

That’s why I was so excited when he asked if I would go to New Mexico with him for Christmas. We had been casually dating, Dean and I, for a couple of months. But nothing was truly official and I wasn’t sure if I could call myself his girlfriend. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to call myself his girlfriend. I wasn’t sure…well, I wasn’t sure about much of anything. All I knew was this: he was perfect for me.

He laughed at my impatience and especially chuckled when I stamped my foot or shook my “tiny fists” as he called them. He thought it was cute when I started to rant anything that tested my logical thinking and he was a handyman which paired perfectly with my special ability to break almost anything I came into contact with.

He loved me. I knew he did.

I could see it when he looked at me, the glittering in his eyes, like the sparkles of ice in winter, told me so. They whispered secrets of young love.

I had been floating on this secret for months and I hoped he would confirm my suspicions, this secret, during our Christmas trip to New Mexico. He wouldn’t invite me to go somewhere special for Christmas, my favorite holiday, if there wasn’t some sort of underlying agenda. Surly, by the day after Christmas I would be able to call Dean Richard Read my boyfriend. My heart nearly pounded out of my chest with the very idea.
It was Christmas Eve and we walked downtown snow falling all around us. Swirls of blue, green, red, and yellow spun around me as children giggled and threw snowballs. As my boots crunched and cracked the snow beneath my feet I began to hear the faint sounds of Christmas songs. My eyes squinted past the ear muffs, mittens, and Christmas decorations and there in the middle of the little town was a gazebo full of people belting out Christmas Carols. Illuminated by white lights I could have sworn it was a group of angels or at the very least my over-active imagination.  As I walked closer the notes from their music swarmed around me warming my heart. I felt as though I was starring in my very own ABC Christmas Movie special.

I let go of Dean’s hand to stop and watch the magic of Christmas unfold. Mouthing every word to I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas I resisted the urge to throw my arms out and spin in circles catching snowflakes on my tongue. Taken quietly from my day-dream Dean pulled on my hand and led me to one of the tallest Christmas trees I had ever seen.


In between two Victorian styled buildings there stood a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. Its branches unwaveringly held up glittering, spherical ornaments, each one specifically placed. Wrapped around its fullness was a golden garland that led to an illuminated star, placed so high on top of the tree that it looked as though it really was just sitting in the night sky, coincidently at the peak of the tree.

My eyes widened in amazement and I leaned my head against Dean’s shoulder, “it’s so beautiful.” He smiled down at me, the blue of his eyes whispering our secret again. We watched the couples, young and elderly walk up the white steps to the balcony that surrounded the Christmas tree.  I imagined they were all in love. A young man stumbling over the words to tell his girlfriend how he wanted to marry her. Or, maybe an elderly couple who were re-telling their feelings each other for the thousandth time. Only, it would feel like the first because that’s the magic of Christmas.  

Still grasping my hand Dean began to walk to a set of stairs. We were going to the top of The Christmas tree. I would be one of those young couples…are we a couple…standing on the balcony engulfed in the beauty of the tree and of Christmas while my love…could I call him that…asked me to be his and told me for the first time how he truly felt about me. My heart pounded in fear and I swore I was shaking, as I stepped off of the last step and found myself in Dean’s arms.

He looked down on me, his blue eyes flashing like the Christmas lights surrounding us. His hands were clasped around my waist and he pulled me close to him. Snow fell on my cheeks and into my hair, but I felt no cold just a rush of warmth and excitement. I could hear the carolers singing just below us, children still giggled, and the smell of hot chocolate, sweet and delicate warmed my nostrils.

Dean tried to stop his eyes from telling me secrets by rambling about how he was proud of me, and how “awesome” he thought I was, I smiled, hoping soon he would get the nerve to ask me to be his girlfriend, to tell me he loved and always had. I pictured the other couples who stood on the balcony just before us, where did the young men find their courage? I wanted to look around, but I was caught up in his eyes. I begged Christmas to shower just a little bit of its magic onto me.

I was abruptly taken from my thoughts, “We should go back downstairs.”

“For?” I tried to stall.

“Should get back with my sister.”

My heart sank.  Suddenly the snowflakes were cold on my nose. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. A chill of cold air found its way into my jacket and I allowed Dean to continue to hold my hand as we walked down the steps. I tried to catch a glimpse of his eyes to ask them why they lied to me, but they were ashamed and refused to look at me.

The kids surrounding me were loud now and their yelling and screaming got in the way of my thinking. I was merely walking, but everything seemed to whip around me so fast, I desperately needed to sort this out in my head and if only it wasn’t so loud and there weren’t so many people and--

“You want some hot chocolate Shannon?”


 Dean’s sister offered me the cup in her hand. I thanked her and sipped slowly excusing the drop in my stomach as hunger, the tears in my eyes as wind chill, and the hurt in my heart as…homesickness.  Homesickness…like I said, I had never really traveled outside of Arizona.